Once, I told myself this is enough.
Now I don’t know.
Now I don’t know.
So what has thinking done for me?
Opens more analyses, more uncertainties, more logical plans that I don’t maintain.
Take me back to beginning. And leave it to feelings this time.
I think they know best.
You know what makes me just a little sad? Bumping into old friends, saying the standard hellos and how-are-you’s, and agreeing to meet up sometime knowing that neither of you will ever make the move to do so. It’s a slow, gradual process where common interests diminish to nothingness, you both move on to your different ways, and friend becomes someone you used to know.
But I suppose if you cared enough, you wouldn’t let that happen. Everything else is the way it was meant to be.
Because when you are losing a sense of self worth, friends are there to tell you you are worth it.
Tough times for studying.
Wish i didn’t have to be bogged down by the little things but sometimes the mind can’t help but to wander into those dark, prickly thoughts.
I went to that Powell jewelry street stand the other day in hopes that I could get a replacement for my little sterling silver dragon ring that I had lost and found so many times. I remember the man from long ago, when I bargained as a team with Angela, for my dragon and her treble clef. Years later, he pulled out his plastic containers with bags and bags of wrapped rings as we rummaged through butterflies, hearts, snakes even, but no dragons. I asked him if he would make anymore and he said that he had stopped from a lack of business. I wondered how he ended up here, selling silver rings next to the downtown mall, speaking in a village accent that reminded me of my grandmother. I almost wanted to ask him where he was from and give him a little money for helping me. But I was pressed for time and only had a twenty on me so I thanked him and went on my way. That dragon was lost for good.
Hoping for better days and better grades.
Sometimes it’s enough to simply sit in the kitchen, eat some midnight snacks and laugh with someone about non-it things and know without saying that everything’s going to be ok.
It’s inevitable. It’s an ever changing, growing body and it will move on without me but can I just say that tonight, I really missed it. I miss this whole experience. I want to turn around and ask them to let me back in, do the second one but I know that I can’t. It’s just so hard, looking back at this magic that I used to be a part of but that I can only look at now. But I suppose this is just part of the growing process. College is not forever. Sooner or later we all lose something and all I can do is try not to measure life by the losses.
